i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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