cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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