So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
