There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
