Already got asked if we're dating
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
