I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
