This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it was like eating out sand paper
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
