I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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