You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We need to rekindle our bromance
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
