yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
