I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
