Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
