We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
