I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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