I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
