She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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