Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
