I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
