I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
