All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
