I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
