Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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