Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
