Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
