"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
