Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
