This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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