Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
