So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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