im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
