I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
