something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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