you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
