His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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