I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
