I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
