I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He better not be in your backpack
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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