Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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