So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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