You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
