how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize