You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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