That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
