Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize