duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize