I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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