It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
