i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize