I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
