there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
