when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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