Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I had to cum in my sink.
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