You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
