your parents love me but you hate me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
