We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
