you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
