No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My feet surprised me
Randomize
