My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
