My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize