Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
