Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
