What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
