He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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