So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
