You can't special order awesome
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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