as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
