Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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