i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
